Photo by Charlotte Hill CobbTribune

Tribune

Face it, you can't eat everything at Isotopes Park. The Tribune's Phil Parker took on this impossible mission, weeding through the sub-par food and drink so you can enjoy nothing but gems on game day.

More Isotopes

• Roster moves bring young faces to 'Topes
• PCL: Andino, others focus on playing in the big leagues
• Borchard paces Isotopes to 10-0 win

MOST RECENT TRIB STORIES

• ABQTrib.com to remain available
  08:48 a.m., February 25, 2008
• Congressman is indicted
  08:37 a.m., February 23, 2008
• Series of attacks target Green Zone
  08:36 a.m., February 23, 2008
• Iran is defying U.N., agency says
  08:35 a.m., February 23, 2008
• Waterboarding approval probed
  08:34 a.m., February 23, 2008

TRIB IN THE BLOGOSPHERE*

• Ty Murray Invitational thrills fans in Albuquerque
• Is Rome Burning?
• Ominous Skies
• The Road to Invalidation
• Albuquerque company participates in “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”

*Note: The Tribune does not create and is not responsible for the blogosphere's headlines and stories. These links to blogs talking about ABQTrib.com are automatically generated. Use them at your own risk.

STORY TOOLS

• E-mail story
• Comments
• iPod friendly
• Printer friendly

SHARE THIS STORY [?]

"Do I detect a wisp of nutmeg?" Juan Carlos Casias pondered upon sipping Isotopes Triple-A Blonde brew.

Indeed.

I recruited my friend and his sophisticated palate for a gutty assignment: Invade Isotopes Park, sample as many food and beverage items as possible, then rate them.

My friend's credentials for this mission: He can, with one bite, distinguish each layer of Taco Bell's 7-Layer Crunchwrap Supreme.

As for me?

I'm an editor at The Trib, and editors usually take their meals in black, caffeinated liquid form. (Our work days start at 4 a.m.)

But for two straight nights, my friend and I chowed down the turkey legs, choked down the philly sandwiches, drank the beers, and hunched home with stomachs on the verge of going, uh, nuclear.

What should have been a dream gig instead became a test of intestinal fortitude. Some big-league parks serve sushi to fans. Others house fancy, fine-dining restaurants. Isotopes Park may be the sexiest minor league cathedral in America, but most of its food should come with an apology.

Still, there were some gems to be gleaned. (And it was all paid for by the paper.)

My first food item was viking-style eating at its finest. I tore bits of meat from the turkey leg during the national anthem, which somehow felt right, and washed it back with cold ballpark beer. But Juan Carlos' Black Angus burger pushed my massive drumstick into the category of "pedestrian," at best.

He looked at me and smiled after but a few bites. "This burger is awesome," he said.

"Awesome." Noted.

The burger was brilliant, but every proud Albuquerquean knows Dion's makes a fine pizza pie. Can their ballpark slices compete with the real deal? The gameday combo slice -- topped with sausage, chicken and green chile -- answers a resounding "Yes!" Then it follows with: "How dare you doubt me?!"

Ah, but green-chile pizza is no baseball staple. The major league dog is the stuff of ballpark satisfaction. It's bigger, and a dollar more, than the Orbit dog, but both possess the distinctive ballpark flavor.

So does the jumbo pretzel. The peanuts come warmed and aren't the type with splintering shells.

We wolfed them down heartily and sipped draws of Tecate and Dos XX, which both tasted as they should, unlike the Jose Cuervo margarita. Any tequila flavor was beaten back by the overpowering sugary taste of the mix; it should be the opposite. Not to mention a margarita complements ballgame food much like a cellist complements Snoop Doggy Dogg. Deplorable.

Fortunately, we sampled the Baja fish tacos next. These babies are dynamite for all those health-conscious yuppies who attend one or two of the 72 home games every summer Í and leave in the sixth inning. Eat a pair and you'll be satisfied, without being full.

The chicken fingers were an abomination. If you prefer your fowl floppy, enjoy. They were shamed by the fries that came with the meal (no self-respecting main course should be outdone by its side).

On Isotopes Park's South side, hungry 'Topephiles can get grande nachos, which also leave everything to be desired. I see the nacho cheese behind you, my friend. Why are you topping this with cold, grated cheddar?

The stuffed burrito is atrocious, unless you like a heap of hot beef wrapped in a tortilla (most of us prefer more than a small plastic spoon's worth of chile in our "stuffed" burritos). They ask what kind of chile and meat you'd like, but you'll regret the purchase regardless of their little stage play.

And what's with the Frito pies? Bigger's not better when the chili and cheese come cold.

This assignment left me perplexed: Has anyone associated with Triple-A baseball heard of sour cream? You can't get it anywhere.

Worse are the phillies on the Park's west side. They do not -- repeat: do not -- look like that breath-taking picture in back. Once again, no melted cheese, and the meat in both the chicken philly and the steak philly tastes like it's been sunbathing for a month. (Juan Carlos' chicken philly, incidentally, fell apart into a soggy heap when he went to take the first bite. This was actually a blessing, affording an easy excuse to stop eating.)

Thank the Gods of Baseball for the delectable bananas foster, which turned the soggy chicken and sun-dried phillies into a forgotten memory (until now). Bananas are flambeed in rum and served atop ice cream. It tastes better than it sounds -- Juan Carlos boldly proclaimed it to be the single best food item in the park.

Other dessert items, like the loaded funnel cake are gooey and filling and not worth nearly what you'll pay for them. Juan Carlos' waffle cone was adequate enough, but why eschew such wonderfully prepared bananas?

The best nacho option in the Park is the barbecue nachos, but even those don't come close to potential fulfilled. I'll not continue harping about the lack of sour cream, but even a bit of lettuce and tomato would have gone a long way.

And can I get some sour cream!?!?!?! (Sorry.)

When we return to The Park as civilians, I've got the perfect meal already planned out: the Black Angus burger and fries, washed down with an Isotopes' blonde.

For dessert? Bananas foster, naturally.

The thought's still a little nauseating, though.

Parker is The Trib's sports copy desk chief. You can reach him at 823-3670 or pparker@abqtrib.com.