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The Linz: Next job might be selling Milne Dogs

The Linz/The Great One
Thursday, August 30, 2007

Since The Linz is edging closer to an unemployment line as The Trib inches closer to extinction, The Great One has decided to try and rebuild a few burned bridges.

You know, in case The Linz wants to work for the state, the city, the University of New Mexico or the Milne Stadium concession stand.

First, The Linz wants to apologize to Mayor Marty Chavez. "Hey, Marty, you really aren't that short."

Second, The Great One wants to bury the hatchet with Gov. Bill Richardson: "Hey, Guv, your head really isn't that huge. Your body is just too small to hold up a beach ball."

Third, The Linz never wanted the UNM football coach's nickname to be Rocky 3rd-And-Long. The Linz always wanted it to be Rocky 1st-And-Goal. It was just too difficult to use 1st-And-Goal since Long's Lobos have never actually been in a 1st-And-Goal situation - especially in a bowl game.

Fourth, The Linz really loves Milne Stadium Dogs and someday would love to be selling them - or maybe rocks. The Linz says, "What's the difference?"

The Linz also has been practicing a variety of lines for his next possible profession.

"Do you want that Milne Meal supersized, sir?"

"Do you want the stadium grass cut north to south or east to west, Mr. 3rd-And-Long?"

"I would recommend lots and lots of mustard on that Milne Dog, sir, and then I would recommend you eat the bun and throw out the dog."

"Welcome to the Bill Richardson SpacePort. The first shuttle to the moon leaves in about 100 years. The first shuttle to Mars leaves in about 500 years."

"Yes, Mayor Martin, I think it's a good idea to close down the city golf courses and use those funds to neuter more stray dogs."

The Linz also would like to announce a winner in the "Nickname Steve Alford Contest."

Nobody.

Even the best entries were awful: "Our Ford" Alford, "White Rain" Alford, "Linz's Daddy" Alford, "Big O" Alford, "Bob Knight Lite" Alford, "All-Ford-Defense" Alford, "Aw-Ford" Alford.

The Linz is sticking with Steve "Un-AlFord-Able" Alford - well, at least until that big job with the city kicks in.

Here are The Linz's picks for this week, with home teams in capital letters:

Cibola by 14 over LA CUEVA - 7 tonight, Wilson Stadium: It might be early in the season, but The Linz is willing to go out on a limb and say the loser of this game will not win the Class 5A state title. Of course, neither will the winner.

WEST MESA by 1 over Belen - 7 tonight, Milne Stadium: Who cares about this game? Just come by the concession stand and buy a Milne Dog from The Great One. The Linz is working on commission tonight.

VALLEY by 1 over Moriarty - 7 p.m. Friday, Milne Stadium: The Linz is still kicking himself for missing this matchup the last time these two teams played. Not because The Linz missed this game. Because The Linz went to an Albuquerque High game instead.

PIEDRA VISTA by 35 over Albuquerque High - 7 p.m. Friday: The Linz loves it when the ÕDogs go on the road. The Linz thinks all the AHS games should be played as far away from The Linz as possible.

MANZANO by 6 over O¤ate - 7 p.m. Friday, Wilson: The Wilson Stadium concession stand employees love it when Manzano's Aaron O-Camp-Out-At-The-Buffet is in the house. They hit their season's quota for selling nachos in just one game.

Highland by 7 over RIO RANCHO - 7 p.m. Friday: Come to think of it, The Linz probably ought to apologize to the city of Rio Rancho, too. On second thought, The Linz would rather be jobless than have to work in Rio Rancho.

DEL NORTE by 7 over Los Alamos - 1:30 p.m. Saturday, Milne: The Linz hears the Knights are greatly improved in 2007. Does that mean the Knights will actually score a touchdown this season?

LOBOS by 7 over Texas-El Paso - 8 p.m., Sun Bowl: There actually are a lot of jobs in this area that The Linz is qualified to do. Too bad most of them are in Juarez and are illegal.

The Lindsey Line appears Thursday during the high school football season. It is intended as a humorous feature written by Trib columnist Richard Stevens. If you want to respond to The Linz, you can e-mail The Great One at rstevens@abqtrib.com.